I recently have felt challenged through a particular interaction with a loved one that happened some weeks ago, where I was triggered by something this person did, became angry and strongly set a boundary, and then demanded an apology. As I’ve reflected regarding the interaction, particularly regarding that part that I feel unsettled about, I see how when I demanded an apology, I wanted for this person to succumb to my will. In reflecting more, I see underneath my desire for my will to prevail is that I want to enjoy myself in interaction with this person, and I currently do not. I feel that there was something valid that the ego brought – protection for a precious part of me – and also I see how I took it too far, trying to force my will upon another, by demanding them to apologize. I see how I can bring fuller transparency to the interaction by sharing of my lack of awareness in the moment around trying to assert my will and how I may apologize for trying to assert my will.
When I asked the Willow Oak for wisdom regarding the interaction and enjoying myself when I am around this person, she shared “Enjoy YOURSELF” and your response in interaction with this person and with all people. What I understand from her is that I am to feel at peace with the way I respond in challenging interactions, by listening more and responding with greater honesty and transparency. As I consider this, I tune into something even deeper that I’ve been subtly noticing since I had the interaction some weeks ago. I notice thoughts in my mind that play like a soundtrack. Some of these thoughts are:
“I didn’t do the best I could do in that interaction, and don’t feel good about it.”
“Why do I buy canned beans now, rather than prepare my own beans at home?”
“Why do I buy and eat yoghurt or other food from single-use plastic containers?”
“What are all of the unseen, hidden ways that I benefit from and perpetuate white supremacy in our world?” “Why do I keep doing those things?” How do I change?”
“How do I better steward our Mother Earth?”
Essentially playing is a laundry list.
Before I had more awareness, I shared a few of these thoughts with my teacher, and she listened and then shared a recipe for making my own yoghurt. I like that, and feel how perhaps my daughter and I can do that together. A glimmer of possibility shines through.
Upon further reflection, I notice that in the background of these tracks, these thoughts, is another track playing over and over again. “I am a bad human.”
A dear friend witnessed me as I revealed and labeled this soundtrack, the soundtrack of “I am a bad human”. In my heart, I felt and feel deep sadness. My friend shared an idea of having tea (nourishing herbal infusion!) with the soundtrack. I may do that, and see what comes. What a pleasure listening to this soundtrack with presence must be, calling me to grow further into serving my purpose. What possibility shows up and what ideas are presented when I bring these questions into conscious awareness and consider incorporating broad intention and specific goals into my life in these areas? May I love, may I feel lovable, and may I grow as a humble steward of our Mother Earth, the plants and trees, and all beings.